Dispicable "D"

It was an amazingly fateful day many years ago when I walked towards a man standing tall in a starched black tuxedo with tears in his eyes that met with mine and melted me.  I knew without a doubt that I was about to marry Mr. Right.  What I didn’t know at the time was that he was Mr. Right All The Time.

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The school-rhyme held true for me and Bob Cole, a.k.a, The Man of My Dreams: first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage…THEN comes reality.

I couldn’t say the exact day it happened, but sometime after the tan faded from our blissful honeymoon-stay on a tropical island and before the birth of our first child, we rolled over in bed, looked at each other and nearly screamed in shock in terror as we realized: “I married a…HUMAN!!!”

Our fights had moved on the spectrum from cute (during the dating days) to killer (post “I Do” days).  At first it was, “Honey, you are so busy working hard so don’t worry about it but I noticed you forgot to take out the trash.  Actually, I thought it was kinda cute because you are my sugar-smoochie-poochie and nothing you do could ever bother me.” Before long though, it was more like, “Don’t forget to take the trash out again or I’ll go all Nick Nolte on you (please see picture below).

The thing is, some days we just don’t FEEL like being married.  We don’t FEEL knock-off-our-socks, sweep-us-off-our-feet, and madly in love with our spouses.  And when these feelings come knocking, they bring with them a very repulsive and deadly friend that goes by the name of Despicable “D”.  

Despicable “D” has a pretty trashy reputation that is known all around the globe. His presence in someone's life has actually shortened their life expectancy* (*see below for all documented stats) In fact, a researcher from Yale concluded that the effect of Despicable “D” in a person’s life is so dangerous, it is almost comparable to smoking a pack a day.

Despicable “D”  has a negative influence on the mental health of both men and woman that often rears it’s ugly head through depression, hostility and negative personal growth and relationships.  As if ravaging the mind and body weren’t enough, the Despicable “D” goes after people’s pocketbooks too.  Sixty percent of those who have been pillaged by the Despicable “D” are under the poverty line.  

Unfortunately, the Despicable “D” is no respecter of persons and it is not beneath him to attack innocent children as well.  These young victims will sometimes earn lower grades and be less pleasant to be around than their peers.  The older victims (teenagers) are more likely to need psychological help with a year of the Despicable “D” visiting their home.

In studies that compare the children whose parents were affected by the Despicable “D” verses children whose parents died, the children from homes affected by the “D” have MORE psychological problems (more on this below also).  The health of children from these homes is also at risk.  Children affected by the Despicable “D” are more likely to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects.  There is more on the Despicable “D”’s rap-sheet of suffering and pain but there’s not enough room in this blog to continue.

Take a breath right now if you need one.  I understand that well since my heart is heavy too as I share these sickening and mind-boggling statistics about divorce, the Despicable “D”.

Divorce isn’t the easy way out of a marriage, it’s the hard way.  May I now suggest something about those feelings that tell us we’d be better of without him/her…the feelings that say we don’t have the same _______ (passion, love, fun, fill in the blank here) as we did when we were dating or first married?  We need to tell our feelings to take a long walk off a short pier.  We need to kick their butt out of our lives when they are shouting BIG lies into our heads.

There are many things that ignite passion in my Irish blood (and my husband is a passionate man as well) but there is nothing we feel MORE passionately about than this: the “D” word will NOT be an option.  The Despicable “D” may come knocking and he can huff and he can puff but he will not blow this house down.  Good ol’ Mr. RIP VanWinkle is the only way the love of my life will ever get rid of me (now don’t get any ideas, my dear).

Best-selling author and marriage guro, Gary Thomas, puts it this way, “If we get married for trivial reasons, we get divorced for trivial reasons.  Compare yourself to Jesus and tell me if you have any time left over to fix anyone else.  Let us purify OURSELVES (not our spouses) (2 Cor. 7:1).”  I love the biblical concept he presents that is quite opposite to the world’s ideology: the MAIN purpose of marriage is not to make us happy but holy.  

To be quite honest, I’m not very excited about this concept when I’m facing off my sweetheart in some all-important debate (that I can never remember later, why is that!?), because I want HIM to make ME happy.  But in those (rare!!!) times that I die to self, entrust the situation over to God in prayer and let His peace fill my heart then I feel God changing me.  He makes me more like Him.  That is HIS goal (1 Peter 2:5) and I’m striving to make it MY goal too (rather slowly and with some backward steps too as my husband could confirm).

We need to face down the Despicable "D" Grumpy-Old-Men style: ornery and stubborn.  Will you be ornery, mean and stubborn about not letting this be an option?  Because if so, it could change your life and the lives of your children forever.

*Note from author: this is a message written with the audience of married people in mind. Knowing that this audience may include people having gone through divorce, I want to encourage you that there is ALWAYS hope and grace in Christ.  Even a dark and difficult situation can be turned around and (my favorite part) gloriously used in His Kingdom!  Also to be noted: there are biblical grounds for divorce and I am not arguing against those as much as the very petty reasons people are separating over these days.  If you are in a situation of ANY kind of abuse, it would be wise to seek immediate help and possibly a separation while you both undergo professional counseling.  With care and prayers, Tara Cole


The STATS:
Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies). 3
A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.4
The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.” 5
After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover,6 indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.
Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.7 Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.
1 Pamela J. Smock, "The Economic Costs of Marital Disruption for Young Women over the Past Two Decades." Demography 30 (1993): 353-371.
2 John Crouch, "Virginia"s No-Fault Divorce Reform Bill," interview with John Crouch and Jim Parmelee on Television Channel 10, Fairfax, VA, www.divorcereform.org.
3 Robert Coombs, "Marital Status and Personal Well-Being: A Literature Review," Family Relations 40 (1991):97-102; I. M. Joung, et al., "Differences in Self-Reported Morbidity by Marital Status and by Living Arrangement," International Journal of Epidemiology 23 (1994): 91-97.
4 Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000), p. 148.
5 Harold J. Morowitz, "Hiding in the Hammond Report," Hospital Practice (August 1975), p. 39.
6 James S. Goodwin, William C. Hunt, Charles R. Key and Jonathan M. Sarmet, "The Effect of Marital Status on Stage, Treatment, and Survival of Cancer Patients," Journal of the American Medical Association 258 (1987): 3125-3130.
7 Nadine F. Marks and James D. Lambert, "Marital Status Continuity and Change among Young and Midlife Adults: Longitudinal Effects on Psychological Well-being," Journal of Family Issues 19 (1998): 652-686.
5. Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)
6. Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)
7. Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988) The DEATH of a parent is LESS devastating to a child than a DIVORCE. (Even I wouldn’t believe this if I didn’t see the statistic myself.)
8. Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

Sunday Morning Disaster

Rain + mud + worms + boys = Sunday Morning Disaster.

Relaxing is no longer an adjective that floats to the surface of my mind when I envision Sunday mornings.

Pre-children years included favorite music filling the house as we emptied our coffee cups and played footsie under the kitchen table.

Post-children years include the music of wailing as we squeeze our crew into uncomfortable church clothes intermingled with the sound of laughter as they streak through the house after their baths decked out in their “nuder-man” outfits (yes, that means naked!).  Meanwhile, the coffee maker sits collecting dust on the counter and the only thing being emptied at breakfast now are my cups of patience and joy as bowls of cereal topple off the table and lakes of milk form on my freshly cleaned hardwood floor.

All of this really gets me in the mood to go to church and be spiritual.  That’s why I’m relieved that real church isn’t a showcase for saints (oops, I missed that anointing for sainthood!) but rather a hospital for sinners.

After what happened this last Sunday, I was more than ready to raise my white hankie in surrender and admit that I sin with the best of them.  Glory hallelujah!

The children were lassoed and decked out in their outfits that included (for the boys) white long sleeved shirts and khakis (with strict instructions to not touch or even THINK about anything dirty), the mountain of Cheerios were swept up and the lake of milk was sopped up as my little soldiers were marched to the door to begin our "Exodus".  I typically begin the “Exodus” from our house about half an hour before we actually need to LEAVE for any given event as history has evidenced Murphy’s Law is a FACT with four children under age five.  

One baby loaded in the car seat and placed in the van, check.

One little girl buckled into her car seat with a handful of fruit snacks to keep her momentarily happy, check.

One three year old boy buckled into his seat with a book to read, check.

One four year old boy buckled into his seat with a book to read as well, check.

One Momma still wearing slippers…oh, snap…check.

“Okay, guys--Momma has to grab some shoes, I’ll be right back so just relax and STAY IN THE VAN, okay?”

They all nodded and I was foolishly deceived into thinking this is what things would look like when I reappeared.  I raced back outside…where I ran smack dab into my four year old son whose hand was submerged up to his elbow in a bucket of DIRT.

I did a double-take, what’s this?!  I immediately noticed His white polo shirt was now a lovely shade of brown and then he noticed a moment later that I had smoke coming out of my ears.

“Oh, Momma…" Gideon said, "I had to check to make sure the worms we caught yesterday are all alive.  Oh, wow--yup, they are.  Okay, I’ll get into the van now…oh, wait--I guess I have a little dirt on me…”

I would like to say I was very spiritual at that moment and reflected on the joys of boys and laughed about it all.  I would like to say that…but, I’ll shoot straight with ya’ll: I didn’t.  I did one of those First/Middle/Last-Name-of-Your-Child-Hollers that probably woke up the neighbors that were hoping to sleep in on a Sunday morning.  I have (quite infrequently) my saint moments, then, the rest of the time, I’m a sinner.

When Gideon and I climbed back into the van a few minutes later (with a clean shirt and dirt still under his fingernails), a little smile was starting to replace my crabby-Momma-face (thank God, that is such a bad look on me!).  When Gideon caught my eye in the mirror as he buckled back into his seat, I winked at him and his face lit up in a smile of his own, all was forgiven.  If God can forgive me for being a SPAZ about LITTLE things, for freaking out when I should take a moment to think before I speak, then how much MORE should I be quick to forgive my children who sometimes mess up in little ways.

I backed out of our driveway and headed towards the hospital for sinners…that was just the kind of place I needed to be on a Sunday morning like this.  I had some dirt of my own that needed to be cleaned up.

YOU are Ashton Kutcher

Here’s a little known fact: I’m in Ashton Kutcher’s Fan Club.

Okay, I’m not actually signed up to be in his Fan Club and I don’t want to receive autographed postcards or A.K. Newsletters, but I am a big fan of how this guy treats people overall (let me assure you, my dear husband endorses this message as he knows I’m not ga-ga over this celebrity because he has a sexy “blue steel” look or something like that, hear me out and you’ll understand why).  I’m not saying I would vote him into the Noble Peace Prize Hall of Fame with the likes of Mother Teresa or Gandhi, but if you’ll pull up a school-desk next to me, we could learn a lot at The Ashton Kutcher University.

Born in the land of corn (Iowa) to a factory worker and a mama who made sure she hauled her family to a Roman Catholic church that honored her Irish roots, Ashton Kutcher came into this world kicking and screaming like we all do, but he didn’t come alone.  Ashton had a fraternal twin named Micheal and while they had many similarities, there was one thing about that was very different.  Ashton had a strong heart and Micheal did not.  When they were young, Micheal received a heart transplant in the hopes of getting another chance at life.  Unfortunately, not long after the surgery, Micheal developed a heart muscle disease that begin to weaken his newly transplanted heart.  The daily stress of Micheal’s failing health hit his twin brother hard and while Ashton’s friends dealt with the high school drama of dating, sports and parties, he struggled with thoughts of suicide.

Then one terrible day, Micheal’s heart stopped for a moment and the doctors had grim faces when they gave his family the report, “He only has hours to live”.  The news felt like a knife in Ashton’s chest and a few moments after hearing it, he climbed onto the hospital balcony, ready to jump and die so that his brother could have his heart and live.  

Ashton clearly remembers that day, "I'm standing on the balcony, thinking about jumping off, and my dad comes out and says, 'What are you thinking about?'  I tell him. He comes over and says, 'You can't do that' - and right then the doctors come rushing out, (saying), 'We have to prepare the operating room.  A woman died in Florida in a car accident, and there's a heart on the way.’"

The surgery was a success and Micheal and Ashton are still the best of brothers.  Ashton hasn’t been a model of perfection, but the choices he makes in life are evidence that his heart is not only physically strong, but also strong in good characteristics like kindness and humility.

Just the other day, I was talking on the phone to my sister-in-love, who is a fellow A.K. fan.  “Did you know that Ashton is known for responding to the ‘nobodies’ on Twitter?  That’s one of the reasons he has a HUGE following!”  Well, what do you think I did when I hung up?  I signed into my Twitter account and started following Ashton Kutcher of course!  Because, though I may be a somebody to my friends and a BIG somebody to my kids, to Ashton, I’m really a nobody.  The thought that somebody that BIG would shoot the breeze with ME seems pretty stinking cool.

If you think about it, everyone is a nobody to someone and a somebody to someone.  One can tell A LOT about a person’s character by how they treat the “nobodies”, the people in someone’s life that may seem to not do anything for them.  The people that won’t give them that big break, the people they may never see again; the stranger in line at the restroom, the McDonald’s worker that ask if they want fries with their order, the mom who spills her groceries in the parking lot when they’re in a hurry to get home, the man with a tear streaking his dirty face and smoking a cigarette by a back dumpster, or the kid who ask a celebrity on Twitter, “How can I be a movie-star as cool as you?”  Those people.  

A wise man I know named Bob Cole once said something that I adore, “Great people don’t just show off their treasures, but reveal to other people their own.  The funny thing about that is when we do reveal another’s treasure, we are better for it.  We learn something new.  We grow.  We get blessed.”

A friend I have, Daisy, lives this out.  Everywhere you go with this shining lady, she takes time to care about people, about the “nobodies”, because they matter to her.  I recall a time our children were jumping around the McDonald’s play-land together and a lady missing most of her teeth wearing tattered jean cut-off shorts smiled shyly at us and asked how old our kids were.  Daisy scooted close enough to hug this woman and treated her like the President of the United States.  Daisy asked her thoughtful questions, smiled warmly and listened intently.  Daisy loves on people who can’t necessarily give her a “leg up” in life and to me, that reveals the depth of her amazing character.

The truth is that no one is a nobody to everybody because everyone is a somebody to someone. Maybe you’re Ashton Kutcher's "nobody", but remember that to someone else, YOU are Ashton Kutcher.   

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to them their own."

Disraeli

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Hebrews 13:2

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.   

The Reverend Jesse Jackson

Who Thinks Your Spouse is SEXY??

Someone thinks your husband is dead sexy.

They think he is a strong, good-working man.

They think he is a great daddy to his children and a tenderhearted guy.

There is a man out there that thinks your wife is really hot.

They think she is a giving, amazing kind of gal.

They think she’s a fabulous mother to her children and has a sweet spirit.

If you’re first thought when reading this (other than perhaps turning a little green around the collar) was, “Obviously they don’t know my spouse!”  or, “They must have never seen her/him three days without a shower!” then let me direct your attention to a red light flashing over your head with sirens a wailing: “WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!”

You are about to step on lethal ground.

A funny, or should I say…not so funny thing happens a few years (or days) into the marriage, the rose-colored glasses get ripped off by reality and we find ourselves facing the one we vowed to be with until eternity comes.  When that happens, eternity can start to seem far, far, far away!

But I would like to pose this question to you: Is the reason we begin to take our spouse for granted because we know them too well or is it because we do not know them well enough?

Before you think that I just swallowed a few crazy pills, hear me out.

We fall in love with our spouse because they are both like us and not like us at all.  We are shocked to discover another human being from this era that doesn’t wear leg-bands or tie-dye shirts anymore (or is that cool again?) that still thinks “Breakfast Club” and “Pretty in Pink” make the Top Ten Movies of All Time List.  We can’t believe that someone else like to eat Thai food so spicy it makes your eyes water and usually spend the rest of the day bonding with a toilet.  Most of all, we are surprised that someone actually laughs at our jokes and thinks we are funny…and they aren’t just humoring us.  

We also love the things that make them different from us; the way they get brave when we get shy (thanks for that one, Amy Grant!), their arms wrapped around our waist, and the way they don’t mind splurging some cash now and then when our hand usually cramps up from squeezing our money so tight.  Their “opposite qualities” excite, surprise and attract us to them.

But sometime after “I do” we swap “I like everything about you” to “I don’t want you to be YOU anymore”.   Typically, we have the perfect person in mind that they could model after: OURSELVES!

At least that is what I did…I’m sure you are much more mature and much less selfish than me but I’m going to dish it straight with you about ME.

The past five plus years of our marriage have been variations of “Extreme Home Makeover”, only it’s been my attempt to makeover my husband instead of our home.

You get brave when I get shy…but could you be braver a little more quieter, a little more…shy-ly?

Your arms are so big and strong…but could you stop ripping through those shirts with your ever growing “muscles”?  We’re going broke buying you new clothes.

You are so fun in the way you splurge now and then…but could you never buy another McDonald’s hamburger and save every penny we make?  (Or, better yet, donate the money to Tara’s Shopping Fund?)

Get my drift?

I married my man because he wasn’t going to be "my man", at least not MY version of who I thought he should be.  He was a free-spirit that was confident in who he was and loved me for who I was.  So why not love him for who he is?

Lord knows, if WE won’t love our spouse for who they were, who they are and who they will be then there is someone out there that thinks we are NUTS!  They see the GOOD, the KIND, and the UNIQUENESS in our spouse.  Shouldn’t WE see it all the more?

Most evenings around 5:41 p.m., (it’s supposed to be 5:30 but that is just another thing I am learning to love about my sweetie), a tall, handsome man in cowboy boots (you never know where you have to go for work: always be prepared is his motto!) throws open our back door and steps inside.  I may be steaming more than veggies for dinner because he is late.  I may be short on patience with an extra tall order order of complaints for him.  But when he sends me that million-dollar-smile (or if he doesn’t), I remember: he CHOOSES me.  

He could be out at the bars, hitting on other woman that think he’s sexy.  He could order that McD’s burger-splurge on his lunch break from a girl whose own Daddy never worked hard for his family and she could think, “What a hard worker, his family is so lucky.”  He could show the photos of his children that he carries with him everywhere to a lady client and she could think, “What a great Daddy he is.”  

Because if I don’t think it, if I don’t appreciate him (her), if I don’t tell him (her)…someone will.

If that scares you, it should.

I hope it will inspire us all to love our spouses for who they are and strive to see the best in them everyday, from now until eternity arrives.  

WHO thinks your spouse is sexy?  I hope YOU do.

Everytime your spouse walks through that door after work, everytime your wife or husband is waiting for you when you get home, remember what it means: they CHOOSE YOU.