Dispicable "D"

It was an amazingly fateful day many years ago when I walked towards a man standing tall in a starched black tuxedo with tears in his eyes that met with mine and melted me.  I knew without a doubt that I was about to marry Mr. Right.  What I didn’t know at the time was that he was Mr. Right All The Time.

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The school-rhyme held true for me and Bob Cole, a.k.a, The Man of My Dreams: first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage…THEN comes reality.

I couldn’t say the exact day it happened, but sometime after the tan faded from our blissful honeymoon-stay on a tropical island and before the birth of our first child, we rolled over in bed, looked at each other and nearly screamed in shock in terror as we realized: “I married a…HUMAN!!!”

Our fights had moved on the spectrum from cute (during the dating days) to killer (post “I Do” days).  At first it was, “Honey, you are so busy working hard so don’t worry about it but I noticed you forgot to take out the trash.  Actually, I thought it was kinda cute because you are my sugar-smoochie-poochie and nothing you do could ever bother me.” Before long though, it was more like, “Don’t forget to take the trash out again or I’ll go all Nick Nolte on you (please see picture below).

The thing is, some days we just don’t FEEL like being married.  We don’t FEEL knock-off-our-socks, sweep-us-off-our-feet, and madly in love with our spouses.  And when these feelings come knocking, they bring with them a very repulsive and deadly friend that goes by the name of Despicable “D”.  

Despicable “D” has a pretty trashy reputation that is known all around the globe. His presence in someone's life has actually shortened their life expectancy* (*see below for all documented stats) In fact, a researcher from Yale concluded that the effect of Despicable “D” in a person’s life is so dangerous, it is almost comparable to smoking a pack a day.

Despicable “D”  has a negative influence on the mental health of both men and woman that often rears it’s ugly head through depression, hostility and negative personal growth and relationships.  As if ravaging the mind and body weren’t enough, the Despicable “D” goes after people’s pocketbooks too.  Sixty percent of those who have been pillaged by the Despicable “D” are under the poverty line.  

Unfortunately, the Despicable “D” is no respecter of persons and it is not beneath him to attack innocent children as well.  These young victims will sometimes earn lower grades and be less pleasant to be around than their peers.  The older victims (teenagers) are more likely to need psychological help with a year of the Despicable “D” visiting their home.

In studies that compare the children whose parents were affected by the Despicable “D” verses children whose parents died, the children from homes affected by the “D” have MORE psychological problems (more on this below also).  The health of children from these homes is also at risk.  Children affected by the Despicable “D” are more likely to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects.  There is more on the Despicable “D”’s rap-sheet of suffering and pain but there’s not enough room in this blog to continue.

Take a breath right now if you need one.  I understand that well since my heart is heavy too as I share these sickening and mind-boggling statistics about divorce, the Despicable “D”.

Divorce isn’t the easy way out of a marriage, it’s the hard way.  May I now suggest something about those feelings that tell us we’d be better of without him/her…the feelings that say we don’t have the same _______ (passion, love, fun, fill in the blank here) as we did when we were dating or first married?  We need to tell our feelings to take a long walk off a short pier.  We need to kick their butt out of our lives when they are shouting BIG lies into our heads.

There are many things that ignite passion in my Irish blood (and my husband is a passionate man as well) but there is nothing we feel MORE passionately about than this: the “D” word will NOT be an option.  The Despicable “D” may come knocking and he can huff and he can puff but he will not blow this house down.  Good ol’ Mr. RIP VanWinkle is the only way the love of my life will ever get rid of me (now don’t get any ideas, my dear).

Best-selling author and marriage guro, Gary Thomas, puts it this way, “If we get married for trivial reasons, we get divorced for trivial reasons.  Compare yourself to Jesus and tell me if you have any time left over to fix anyone else.  Let us purify OURSELVES (not our spouses) (2 Cor. 7:1).”  I love the biblical concept he presents that is quite opposite to the world’s ideology: the MAIN purpose of marriage is not to make us happy but holy.  

To be quite honest, I’m not very excited about this concept when I’m facing off my sweetheart in some all-important debate (that I can never remember later, why is that!?), because I want HIM to make ME happy.  But in those (rare!!!) times that I die to self, entrust the situation over to God in prayer and let His peace fill my heart then I feel God changing me.  He makes me more like Him.  That is HIS goal (1 Peter 2:5) and I’m striving to make it MY goal too (rather slowly and with some backward steps too as my husband could confirm).

We need to face down the Despicable "D" Grumpy-Old-Men style: ornery and stubborn.  Will you be ornery, mean and stubborn about not letting this be an option?  Because if so, it could change your life and the lives of your children forever.

*Note from author: this is a message written with the audience of married people in mind. Knowing that this audience may include people having gone through divorce, I want to encourage you that there is ALWAYS hope and grace in Christ.  Even a dark and difficult situation can be turned around and (my favorite part) gloriously used in His Kingdom!  Also to be noted: there are biblical grounds for divorce and I am not arguing against those as much as the very petty reasons people are separating over these days.  If you are in a situation of ANY kind of abuse, it would be wise to seek immediate help and possibly a separation while you both undergo professional counseling.  With care and prayers, Tara Cole


The STATS:
Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies). 3
A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.4
The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.” 5
After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover,6 indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.
Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.7 Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.
1 Pamela J. Smock, "The Economic Costs of Marital Disruption for Young Women over the Past Two Decades." Demography 30 (1993): 353-371.
2 John Crouch, "Virginia"s No-Fault Divorce Reform Bill," interview with John Crouch and Jim Parmelee on Television Channel 10, Fairfax, VA, www.divorcereform.org.
3 Robert Coombs, "Marital Status and Personal Well-Being: A Literature Review," Family Relations 40 (1991):97-102; I. M. Joung, et al., "Differences in Self-Reported Morbidity by Marital Status and by Living Arrangement," International Journal of Epidemiology 23 (1994): 91-97.
4 Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000), p. 148.
5 Harold J. Morowitz, "Hiding in the Hammond Report," Hospital Practice (August 1975), p. 39.
6 James S. Goodwin, William C. Hunt, Charles R. Key and Jonathan M. Sarmet, "The Effect of Marital Status on Stage, Treatment, and Survival of Cancer Patients," Journal of the American Medical Association 258 (1987): 3125-3130.
7 Nadine F. Marks and James D. Lambert, "Marital Status Continuity and Change among Young and Midlife Adults: Longitudinal Effects on Psychological Well-being," Journal of Family Issues 19 (1998): 652-686.
5. Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)
6. Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)
7. Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988) The DEATH of a parent is LESS devastating to a child than a DIVORCE. (Even I wouldn’t believe this if I didn’t see the statistic myself.)
8. Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

Who Thinks Your Spouse is SEXY??

Someone thinks your husband is dead sexy.

They think he is a strong, good-working man.

They think he is a great daddy to his children and a tenderhearted guy.

There is a man out there that thinks your wife is really hot.

They think she is a giving, amazing kind of gal.

They think she’s a fabulous mother to her children and has a sweet spirit.

If you’re first thought when reading this (other than perhaps turning a little green around the collar) was, “Obviously they don’t know my spouse!”  or, “They must have never seen her/him three days without a shower!” then let me direct your attention to a red light flashing over your head with sirens a wailing: “WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!”

You are about to step on lethal ground.

A funny, or should I say…not so funny thing happens a few years (or days) into the marriage, the rose-colored glasses get ripped off by reality and we find ourselves facing the one we vowed to be with until eternity comes.  When that happens, eternity can start to seem far, far, far away!

But I would like to pose this question to you: Is the reason we begin to take our spouse for granted because we know them too well or is it because we do not know them well enough?

Before you think that I just swallowed a few crazy pills, hear me out.

We fall in love with our spouse because they are both like us and not like us at all.  We are shocked to discover another human being from this era that doesn’t wear leg-bands or tie-dye shirts anymore (or is that cool again?) that still thinks “Breakfast Club” and “Pretty in Pink” make the Top Ten Movies of All Time List.  We can’t believe that someone else like to eat Thai food so spicy it makes your eyes water and usually spend the rest of the day bonding with a toilet.  Most of all, we are surprised that someone actually laughs at our jokes and thinks we are funny…and they aren’t just humoring us.  

We also love the things that make them different from us; the way they get brave when we get shy (thanks for that one, Amy Grant!), their arms wrapped around our waist, and the way they don’t mind splurging some cash now and then when our hand usually cramps up from squeezing our money so tight.  Their “opposite qualities” excite, surprise and attract us to them.

But sometime after “I do” we swap “I like everything about you” to “I don’t want you to be YOU anymore”.   Typically, we have the perfect person in mind that they could model after: OURSELVES!

At least that is what I did…I’m sure you are much more mature and much less selfish than me but I’m going to dish it straight with you about ME.

The past five plus years of our marriage have been variations of “Extreme Home Makeover”, only it’s been my attempt to makeover my husband instead of our home.

You get brave when I get shy…but could you be braver a little more quieter, a little more…shy-ly?

Your arms are so big and strong…but could you stop ripping through those shirts with your ever growing “muscles”?  We’re going broke buying you new clothes.

You are so fun in the way you splurge now and then…but could you never buy another McDonald’s hamburger and save every penny we make?  (Or, better yet, donate the money to Tara’s Shopping Fund?)

Get my drift?

I married my man because he wasn’t going to be "my man", at least not MY version of who I thought he should be.  He was a free-spirit that was confident in who he was and loved me for who I was.  So why not love him for who he is?

Lord knows, if WE won’t love our spouse for who they were, who they are and who they will be then there is someone out there that thinks we are NUTS!  They see the GOOD, the KIND, and the UNIQUENESS in our spouse.  Shouldn’t WE see it all the more?

Most evenings around 5:41 p.m., (it’s supposed to be 5:30 but that is just another thing I am learning to love about my sweetie), a tall, handsome man in cowboy boots (you never know where you have to go for work: always be prepared is his motto!) throws open our back door and steps inside.  I may be steaming more than veggies for dinner because he is late.  I may be short on patience with an extra tall order order of complaints for him.  But when he sends me that million-dollar-smile (or if he doesn’t), I remember: he CHOOSES me.  

He could be out at the bars, hitting on other woman that think he’s sexy.  He could order that McD’s burger-splurge on his lunch break from a girl whose own Daddy never worked hard for his family and she could think, “What a hard worker, his family is so lucky.”  He could show the photos of his children that he carries with him everywhere to a lady client and she could think, “What a great Daddy he is.”  

Because if I don’t think it, if I don’t appreciate him (her), if I don’t tell him (her)…someone will.

If that scares you, it should.

I hope it will inspire us all to love our spouses for who they are and strive to see the best in them everyday, from now until eternity arrives.  

WHO thinks your spouse is sexy?  I hope YOU do.

Everytime your spouse walks through that door after work, everytime your wife or husband is waiting for you when you get home, remember what it means: they CHOOSE YOU.

Tidy Whities #3: Time Organization (with KIDS!)

Time Organizing (with KIDS!)

To begin: I have NOT arrived in this area, Lord knows!!  I am learning as I go and am known in some parts of the country as arriving "fashionably late"...or annoyingly late is maybe more accurate!  I could use the excuse that I have 4 little kids and myself to get ready sometimes...but I am not okay with making excuses through life so I am working on some self-change!  This being said, there are some things I've learned along the way that are helping me with my time management.  A BIG desire of my heart as a mom is to be PURPOSEFUL with my children.  I hope to make our days special, not just go through the motions!

1.  Be a PREPSTER!  What helps me stay ahead of the morning rush is to PREP, PREP and PREP the night before.  It may seem like a big job, but all the things I do (listed below) can be completed in under 30 minutes (or LESS!) and then it's on to relaxin' with the hubster (or facebook!)...

*PREP the table: I set the table with stacks of bowls, spoons and glasses (or whatever you need for breakfast) and my oldest son sets them at each place when he wakes and gets to mark that on his chore chart (see below)!

*PREP the kid's outfits:  I set out the complete set: shirt, pants, socks and underwear.  The child could help with this too at an older age.  I place it by their bed so when they wake up, they know to get themselves dressed in the outfit (we take baths in the evening usually).  No more panicked clothes flying through the air and Judah wearing pink socks when we have somewhere to be NOW!

(If we are leaving somewhere right after breakfast, I place their coats, shoes, hats, etc. on the coach where they are ready to go to give us a head-start too!)

*PREP tommorrow's activities:  I throw a few things to do in the Today Basket (see below), write out a list of any errands or things that need to get done the next day and review the calender for appointments/etc. I may have forgotten.

*PREP laundry: I throw in a load, take out a load and (hopefully!!) have time to fold a load before I hit the sack.

2..  The TODAY basket: this was an idea I came up with to be more purposeful in making sure we had FUN during the day!  The night before I fill a basket I jazzed up a bit with some fun stuff to do the next day with the kids: a game, a movie, a "lesson time", some books, an art project...you get the idea! It works for me because otherwise it is "out of sight, out of mind", I know we have activities to do together but I don't think of them when we get busy if they are not easy to see and remember.  

3.  Hired HELP!  Sometimes I feel like in today's culture, requiring anything of your children much beyond washing their own hands is considered over the top.  But if a kid spends all day playing video games/etc...will they truly be ready to contribute to society and make a positive difference when they are in the "real world"?  Will they really put others first and be selfless if we (mom, dad) wait on them hand and foot?  Will they learn to work well with a team of other employees if they never learn how to be kind and patient with their own siblings?  

These are just some questions to consider as we train up our children.  This is why our fam is a big believer is CHORES (there I said it, don't let your kid unplug your computer now!)...they can begin at very early ages (see "Hit List" for age-appropriate chores).  

There are many ways you may choose to do this and I'll briefly share what works for us but put your own spin on it!  We start a chore chart at age 3 (see below for a little example of what we use) and once they fill in so many circles (we start at 5, the next chart 10 are needed, then 15 and so on so they can learn goal-setting in stages) we all celebrate and take them to pick out a treat/toy (under $5 usually) at the store.  Simple.  Fun.  Helps YOU get a few things done!

Gideon’s Chore Chart

Sweep after breakfast  O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Sweep after lunch O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Sweep after dinner O O O O O O O O O O O O O

Clean windows O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Help with laundry O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Other_______________ O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Other_______________ O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

**Expected jobs: Clear your own plate, put dirty clothes in hamper, clean up room/messes, help set table, do what is asked with a GOOD attitude!

A fun twist on hanging your kid's artwork up other than on the fridge (where my kids always pulled it off and it made a mess)--hang a bulletin board somewhere (back of door if your tight on space like us!) and rotate art projects on it!

4.  Organized Activities: I love art!  Because of this, like it or not, my kids end up doing lots of painting and hands on creative stuff (thankfully, they usually love getting messy and making stuff!).  You have your own flair and talents in life that you can share with your kids, that's what I love about people: we are all so different and unique!  This is just a few ways that help us stay on top of the "art chaos" so hopefully it will give you ideas for ways to share and organize your passions too!

* ART CUPS: These divided cups were purchased at WalMart (on sale for $1/each!) and I filled them with glitter sticks, watercolors, brushes, markers, etc. and decorated the front with their name.  Now it's a breeze to make a project as everyone has all of the items they need right in front of them.  Plus, they seem to take better care of it as it is their own stuff.

some of the kid's art cups

* CREATIVE BASKETS: I used shallow baskets and filled one with craft supplies and another with their play-do items.  I keep these in the pantry so it's easy to grab a basket, place it on the table so they can play awhile then pick it up when they are done.

a few of our "creative baskets"--they can be rotated with different activities too!

5. Time management: I think we are just hitting the tip of the calender iceberg as far as events/etc. as our children are so young still. I am imaging the day we have lots of kids to get to school, sports, outings and more..whew!  I'll need some tips from any of you moms of older kids then!  My man and I are trying to form some good habits today with planning and communicating about family activites so when that day comes, we will have a good plan in play (hopefully!).  Plus, playdates, errands, dr./dentist appointments, family events, etc. keep our schedules busy already...

* BIG FAM DRY ERASE BOARD: I got this idea from a friend and love it!  You could also have each child have their own color marker (Sue is blue, Jonny is green, etc.) and write in their plans on the calender too.  For practical purposes, we keep our calender (purchased for $10 at Target) in the dining room so we can talk about our upcoming week over dinner, a time we are usually all together.

natural ( family planning board

GOOGLE CALENDER: My hubby sold me onto Google Calender (see below) but there are many options for tracking your activities and appointments via the computer/phone that are great to help you and your family coordinate schedules (this is coming from someone who is computer illegitimate so that means something)!

Free Online Google Calender Link

Don't laugh: I found them in the Christmas clearance section, my kids don't care!  Ha ha...

THE GOOD CUPS: Here's a little fun thing for your precious little girls and guys: catch them being GOOD (sharing, playing quietly, reading a book, helping someone, etc.) once in awhile and reward them with a "Good Cup" (that's what we call 'em, but call 'em whatever you want!).  I use a little tin cup with lid, throw a few "goodies" in it (stickers, candy, etc) and try to catch them in the act and reward it once a day or every few days!  Sometimes as a mom in the "training" stage of children, I feel I get after them more about what they need to change than what they do well.  This is a way we try to strike a balance with that in a small way (and easy/cheap!).

AND DON'T FORGET...as you set up your week, try to schedule a DATE night with your special someone amongst those busy days!!  It's like a breath of fresh air that renews the soul to spend quiet time with a loved one on a regular basis...with NO kids!  It's worth the babysitting fee but on weeks it's not in the budget, we put the kids to bed early (it's good for them, ha ha!) and pick up fast food and a movie for date night in!  Also, trying to have a family day/time once a week where you all do something fun together is something the kids will really look forward to (even teens eventually, I remember as a teenage loving our family outings even if I didn't always admit it!).

**This all being said, there are days that are just crazy that I never get around to reading their favorite story or playing a single game and the thought of prepping anything after such an exhausting day makes me want to faint at the very thought!  We all have days like that so no worries, no guilt, no prob!  This is just a few ideals to hopefully help you to have MORE time and LESS work...

thanks for reading and ENJOY!

Age-Appropriate Chore List for Kids

Ages 3 and 4

1. Pick up toys and books.
2. Take laundry to the laundry room.
3. Help feed pets.
4. Help wipe up messes.
5. Dust with socks on their hands.
6. Mop in areas with help.

Ages 4 and 5

Preschoolers still find helping to be an exciting venture and usually are thrilled when time is taken to teach them new chores. They are ready to do some chores without constant supervision. Rewards at this age are very motivating. A sticker chart that allows you to build up to bigger rewards can be appropriate. For some preschoolers, tying chores to an allowance is a great option and fosters independence in choosing a reward.

Some chores preschoolers can do in addition to the ones above…

1. Clear and set the table.
2. Dust
3. Help out in cooking and preparing food.
4. Carrying and putting away groceries.

Ages 6-8

These school age kids may or may not still have their childlike enthusiasm for completing chores. What they do have, however, is an overwhelming desire to be independent. Parents and caregivers can guide children to become independent in their chores, using chore charts to keep track of their responsibilities both completed and pending.

Some chores that they are capable of in addition to the ones above…

1. Take care of pets.
2. Vacuum and mop.
3. Take out trash.
4. Fold and put away laundry.

Ages 9-12

Children in this preteen age are capable of increasing responsibility where chores are concerned. Keep in mind that many children this age rely on continuity. Find a system that works for your family and do not change it without the input and support of the people it directly affects. Make sure that you factor in rewards and consequences and address those issues with your children. Let them know the consequences of not completing chores, as well as the rewards for fulfilling their responsibilities.

Some Chores preteens are capable of in addition to the ones above…

1. Help wash the car. 
2. Learn to wash dishes. 
3. Help prepare simple meals. 
4. Clean the bathroom. 
5. Rake leaves. 
6. Operate the washer and dryer.

Ages 13-17

Teenagers are developmentally ready to handle almost any chore in the home. At the same time a teenager’s schedule can sometimes become quite hectic, leaving little time for chores. Make sure that the workload of your teenagers is manageable.

Some chores teenagers are capable of in addition to the ones above…

1. Replace light bulbs and vacuum cleaner bags. 
2. All parts of the laundry.
3. Wash windows. 
4. Clean out refrigerator and other kitchen appliances. 
5. Prepare meals. 
6. Prepare grocery lists.

Remember that children mature at their own pace and not all kids will be capable of advanced chores at the same age, just as some children may be ready for more difficult chores at a younger age. The most important guidelines are supervision and evaluation of your child’s needs and abilities.